Well, school has been out (a big hooray!) for half the summer (not a big hooray), but the end of the school year didn't come with a sigh of satisfaction. In fact, quite of bit of angst consumed me as I contemplated teaching another year and my enthusiasm to teach Romeo and Juliet during the last weeks after core testing was gone Yes, I know, sounding a bit melodramatic. I wish it weren't true, and maybe it's still some residual hormone imbalance from a "mighty change," but nonetheless, the anxiety toward teaching school is there.
Just the Friday before the final week of school, three young men stayed after school (at my ushering) to get some work done so they could make a grade in English this quarter. These seemingly lax, apathetic boys ended up standing/sitting around in my cozy little 10 by 10 office for two hours telling me very difficult details about their lives that make school life, and life in general, hard. Really hard.
Crying at times, one boy, who has failed my class every quarter because he would just quit coming to school for weeks at a time, laid out his family story. Remorse and sorrow overcame me. All YEAR I had not bothered to ever really talk to him. When I could have been support, I was just one more face of consternation. I let his seemingly carefree-guy demeanor and school-doesn't-matter facade fool me into . Always a natural smile, as if his face muscles knew no other position.
The most amazing part of this was to see his sincerity and listen as he spoke from the most authentically kind heart I have ever sensed in a student. He couldn't answer what the word "connotation" means on 7 different tests (yes 7), but he sure knows how to control it in his speech. He was failing English every quarter, but his practical use of it was superior. (Of course, I changed his grade for the quarter and offered him some ways to easily make every other F up this summer.)
In his kind way, he told me that I was a good teacher, but kids are different now. I quote: "The level of strictness has lowered so much that if something happens, the kid won't be in trouble; the teacher will." Naturally, I asked him and the other boys to help me out with real live ways to change my classroom to be better teaching and learning for today's kids. And they did.
I have vowed that, even though I sometimes have past students tell me I was their best English teacher, I will give it one more year to try to adapt. If it doesn't work out, I'll be moving on. Now that I have medical benefits with Noni, the proposition to try an entrepreneurial venture isn't so daunting.
Friday, July 12, 2013
Yea SCOTUS!
Well, I'm ashamed of myself. The history-making, land-shaking, LGBT-validating Supreme Court rulings of striking down DOMA and Proposition 8 have yet to make it to my blog. And to top it off, they were made on the FOURTH anniversary of that tranquil evening on the banks of the Mississippi when we kissed for the first time in front of family, danced and cried happy tears, and said 'I do'. (I can't believe I just had to stop and think about how to spell Mississippi.)
So how DO I feel? Well, like...finally. Maybe now that the highest court in the land says that it is unConstitiutional to discriminate against our right to be married, some real changes will occur in this country. (Seriously, why the heck does unConstitutional have a squiggly line under it? You wouldn't capitalize un but Constitution is a proper noun. I'm leaving it that way.)
I believe in numerology, so I knew that the rulings would be in our favor. Think about it DOMA is a four-letter acronym, and it was our fourth anniversary. Coincidence? I think not! And Prop 8...half of 8 is 4, and Prop is a four-letter abbreviation. 2013? 2 +0= 2, 1+3=4... 2X4=8. You bet baby, it had to come down. (This is not calculated from some scientific numerology method. I came up with it myself, folks. Simple math.)
Now there are 13 states in the U.S. of A that have marriage equality. In keeping with numerology, I told Noni that we should plant a tree or bush for every state that comes around. (It was her idea to get trees for our anniversary, so I just built on that idea because I am into politics more than her.) So we already planted three this year, so now only ten more. That may sound crazy like we will end up as forest dwellers by the time all the states come around (and believe history, they will... albeit my bet is on Utah coming in dead last clinging to and claiming it's God's will to uphold "traditional family values," whilst polygamist branches laden their pedigree charts). Which brings me back to trees, the ones we will be planting and inundated by...we have a big lot, over an acre, that needs some trees to block out the noise and the view of the gravel pit. We'll be fine for a while even if we start planting one for all the countries that start legalizing equality in marriage. A shout out to New Zealand!
You may be curious to know if this ruling has made an everyday difference in our lives. You bet! When I had my check-out with the principal at the end of the school-year, he asked me to tell him what insurance I would be choosing for next year since we are losing yet more benefits and going to a high-deductible plan. He was on duty trying to get people to predict which plan to be on according to how healthy or accident prone they might be. How do you think this sounded to him, "Uh, I won't be able to say until a Supreme Court ruling"? (Ha! I still chuckle at the hyperbole this seems to be, and you should have seen his face. Something like{?: /] if I were to try to draw it with symbols, which is working out like when I draw a face on an Etch-a-Sketch.) But then I explained to him (a former LDS bishop) that if DOMA is ruled unConstitutional, then I will be getting on Noni's insurance. And so that's it! That's how our life has changed--I'm called a spouse to Noni on a federal piece of paper and have her benefits without having to have "power of attorney" or something. (But P.S., we can only do that in Utah where our marriage is not recognized because we were married legally in Iowa, and she is employed by the federal government.) Now, I am putting off calling my principal (now promoted to superintendent) to tell him I am opting out of the HD insurance because I want to see his face when I tell him in person.
By the way, if you are reading this, could you please comment or follow me or something because I am thinking about using this blog as a secret diary. The internet. It will be a perfect hiding place! Better than under my mattress and my kids will never find it.
So how DO I feel? Well, like...finally. Maybe now that the highest court in the land says that it is unConstitiutional to discriminate against our right to be married, some real changes will occur in this country. (Seriously, why the heck does unConstitutional have a squiggly line under it? You wouldn't capitalize un but Constitution is a proper noun. I'm leaving it that way.)
I believe in numerology, so I knew that the rulings would be in our favor. Think about it DOMA is a four-letter acronym, and it was our fourth anniversary. Coincidence? I think not! And Prop 8...half of 8 is 4, and Prop is a four-letter abbreviation. 2013? 2 +0= 2, 1+3=4... 2X4=8. You bet baby, it had to come down. (This is not calculated from some scientific numerology method. I came up with it myself, folks. Simple math.)
Now there are 13 states in the U.S. of A that have marriage equality. In keeping with numerology, I told Noni that we should plant a tree or bush for every state that comes around. (It was her idea to get trees for our anniversary, so I just built on that idea because I am into politics more than her.) So we already planted three this year, so now only ten more. That may sound crazy like we will end up as forest dwellers by the time all the states come around (and believe history, they will... albeit my bet is on Utah coming in dead last clinging to and claiming it's God's will to uphold "traditional family values," whilst polygamist branches laden their pedigree charts). Which brings me back to trees, the ones we will be planting and inundated by...we have a big lot, over an acre, that needs some trees to block out the noise and the view of the gravel pit. We'll be fine for a while even if we start planting one for all the countries that start legalizing equality in marriage. A shout out to New Zealand!
You may be curious to know if this ruling has made an everyday difference in our lives. You bet! When I had my check-out with the principal at the end of the school-year, he asked me to tell him what insurance I would be choosing for next year since we are losing yet more benefits and going to a high-deductible plan. He was on duty trying to get people to predict which plan to be on according to how healthy or accident prone they might be. How do you think this sounded to him, "Uh, I won't be able to say until a Supreme Court ruling"? (Ha! I still chuckle at the hyperbole this seems to be, and you should have seen his face. Something like{?: /] if I were to try to draw it with symbols, which is working out like when I draw a face on an Etch-a-Sketch.) But then I explained to him (a former LDS bishop) that if DOMA is ruled unConstitutional, then I will be getting on Noni's insurance. And so that's it! That's how our life has changed--I'm called a spouse to Noni on a federal piece of paper and have her benefits without having to have "power of attorney" or something. (But P.S., we can only do that in Utah where our marriage is not recognized because we were married legally in Iowa, and she is employed by the federal government.) Now, I am putting off calling my principal (now promoted to superintendent) to tell him I am opting out of the HD insurance because I want to see his face when I tell him in person.
By the way, if you are reading this, could you please comment or follow me or something because I am thinking about using this blog as a secret diary. The internet. It will be a perfect hiding place! Better than under my mattress and my kids will never find it.
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
College Girls
Well, my daughter McKell is reaching the pinnacle of her college javelin-throwing career. What a weekend we had watching throw the hammer (a filler event for her) in the morning Friday and then graduating from Utah Valley University that evening with her B.S. The first of our children to get that.
Saturday brought the refreshing spring sunshine and her last track meet before conference competition. With all the wait time for spectators, there is ample time to get a conversation going with the family and friends of other competitors. Such was the case yesterday.
I stood next to Faith (a pseudonym), the "friend" of one of McKell's teammates (I'll call Fran). Those of us who have known Faith and Fran suspect that they are more than just friends, but they have never let on openly, not even to me, who you'd think has a sign saying "Welcome" for anyone who needs some insight on figuring out sexuality mingled with Mormonism or even just a judgement-free listening ear.
Faith and I had an isolated spot next to the fence, and after some chit-chat and leading questions from me, Faith started sharing her background: a forced-to-be-Mormon girl in her childhood with staunch Mormon parents, the youngest of four girls. As a teenager, she had real anger issues, which is the opposite of the subdued and patient demeanor she displays now at 20 or 21. When she finally made a stand and started living and doing as she wanted, happiness was hers, finally, and that "doing what she wants" is not going to church, living as she pleases, and being with Fran as often as she can, from what I can tell. She adores her. And I think Fran feels pretty much the same.
In spite of my dangling bait large enough to attract a blue whale, Fran did not bite-- not a word nor innuendo about Faith and her relationship beyond friends. Oh, the chemistry was obvious, but for whatever reason, they feel the need to keep it covert.
Well, all of this story does have a point: What a shame!! The pure intensity of relationships such as that (in our younger years) set the bar by which all passion is measured later on in life. Since it is such a rare occurrence, it seems like an extreme waste of golden times...just for the lack of freedom or courage or whatever, to indulge on the sweetness of it. Because... sadly and ...sure enough, as Virgil stated centuries ago, "Ultima dia, prima fugit." (The best days are the first to flee.)
Saturday brought the refreshing spring sunshine and her last track meet before conference competition. With all the wait time for spectators, there is ample time to get a conversation going with the family and friends of other competitors. Such was the case yesterday.
I stood next to Faith (a pseudonym), the "friend" of one of McKell's teammates (I'll call Fran). Those of us who have known Faith and Fran suspect that they are more than just friends, but they have never let on openly, not even to me, who you'd think has a sign saying "Welcome" for anyone who needs some insight on figuring out sexuality mingled with Mormonism or even just a judgement-free listening ear.
Faith and I had an isolated spot next to the fence, and after some chit-chat and leading questions from me, Faith started sharing her background: a forced-to-be-Mormon girl in her childhood with staunch Mormon parents, the youngest of four girls. As a teenager, she had real anger issues, which is the opposite of the subdued and patient demeanor she displays now at 20 or 21. When she finally made a stand and started living and doing as she wanted, happiness was hers, finally, and that "doing what she wants" is not going to church, living as she pleases, and being with Fran as often as she can, from what I can tell. She adores her. And I think Fran feels pretty much the same.
In spite of my dangling bait large enough to attract a blue whale, Fran did not bite-- not a word nor innuendo about Faith and her relationship beyond friends. Oh, the chemistry was obvious, but for whatever reason, they feel the need to keep it covert.
Well, all of this story does have a point: What a shame!! The pure intensity of relationships such as that (in our younger years) set the bar by which all passion is measured later on in life. Since it is such a rare occurrence, it seems like an extreme waste of golden times...just for the lack of freedom or courage or whatever, to indulge on the sweetness of it. Because... sadly and ...sure enough, as Virgil stated centuries ago, "Ultima dia, prima fugit." (The best days are the first to flee.)
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Wow! High school is hard! To be clear, I am an adult. A teacher, of high school English. And, yes, I have had a hard year this year in high school to the point of wanting to do anything but go to school some days. Seriously, I was thinking it was the end of that career for me because I had a group of girls, the mean girls you see on movies, who included me as a target of their bullying. Bizarre as it may sound, I was in the principal's office four times this year basically defending myself and putting my words against teenagers on what "I said"supposedly.
True, being a lesbian added fuel to their fire. Certainly my morals are in question, right? Because I love my wife with all my heart and she is also a woman, I surely must have a gutter mouth. (As if! Just ask my own children how much they are chastised when they have a hint of vulgarity in what they say.) But, people's perceptions are what they are.
What did I gain from this? Well, basically, the advice that I have given my socially struggling students for ages: you need to rise above and let it flow past (and it will pass) and not get sucked into the whirlpool that will drag you under.
Still... having been in the shoes of those kids who go to school feeling like there is a dominant faction who "do not like you," I found that sometimes it is much easier said than FELT.
Thankfully, menopause is letting up. (Big smile) And my emotions aren't so heightened. I don't really know what to tell the teenagers with decades of hormones ahead of them.
True, being a lesbian added fuel to their fire. Certainly my morals are in question, right? Because I love my wife with all my heart and she is also a woman, I surely must have a gutter mouth. (As if! Just ask my own children how much they are chastised when they have a hint of vulgarity in what they say.) But, people's perceptions are what they are.
What did I gain from this? Well, basically, the advice that I have given my socially struggling students for ages: you need to rise above and let it flow past (and it will pass) and not get sucked into the whirlpool that will drag you under.
Still... having been in the shoes of those kids who go to school feeling like there is a dominant faction who "do not like you," I found that sometimes it is much easier said than FELT.
Thankfully, menopause is letting up. (Big smile) And my emotions aren't so heightened. I don't really know what to tell the teenagers with decades of hormones ahead of them.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Monday, June 22, 2009
Up until lately, I couldn't even call myself the L-word, even though I had been in a committed relationship for nearly three years with the woman of my life. Now I am out more than I ever dreamed I would be. And how does it feel? Like another L-word. LIBERATED!! Are you wondering if it is time to come out? Does it seem impossible to fathom that you could even live your life if your secret was out for everyone to know? Believe me, I can relate! I was a wife of a 22-year marriage and mother of four living devoutly in one of THE MOST anti-gay religions--Mormon. And I was a "true" believer who had lost myself in the faith. Literally, I had lost myself. My life was a superficial day-to-day existence of doing what I should with moments of happiness, but no true joy as the scriptures promised those who were faithful. Dying inside, I was drawn to single women friends (who also had the same-sex inclinations) and could not help myself from wanting nothing more than to be close to them. That didn't fare well with my marriage and my husband. Our marriage was on the rocks and I was dying inside as he tried to place ultimatums on my relationships with my friends. His demanding nature and closed emotional bank combined with my natural attraction to women left me devoid of any hope for a connection with him. What was left for me to do? Commit emotional suicide and pretend my way through life? O come a decision to divorce? (I was still not convinced that I couldn't make it with some more sensitive man.) So, I opened up to him with the help of a video that showed the lives and dilemmas of several other gay LDS people who were trying to live the married life. A beautiful feeling of acceptance came over him, and we mutually decided it was time to move on. I had visions of how amenable this split could be and how we would still be friends and barely disrupt our children's lives. However, that acceptance lasted only about a week. As his ego took over and his need to never be less than perfect, he told anyone who would listen including our friends and church leaders. I felt so betrayed! But that wasn't the worst of it. He insisted that I tell our children, the oldest then 20 and 19. AND, not on my terms. One night he decided that it was time for me to go tell them or he would! I wept and wailed knowing there was no way out of telling my deepest secret to my children that their stalwart Mormon mother is really gay! My 19-year old son tried to comfort me saying I could tell him anything and it would be okay. That was just the first of my worst nightmares coming to life as my now ex-husband insists that everyone know that I am a lesbian. Sound hopeless? In truth, it was so awful, but the result is bliss! True BLISS. What seemed like the meanest and deepest betrayal I could ever have from someone who I was married to for 22 years turned out to be my biggest favor. In fact, the more he pushes me out, the better off I am. There will be more on that since I am now going to get married in Iowa. Although I could see myself living my life out with the woman of my dreams who has been by my side the whole time from friend to lover, the decision to go to the "extreme" of getting married was for another legal purpose in trying to fight my ex-husband (who incidentally was able to easily get married and move on). He is trying to disallow my 15-year old daughter be able to even come and stay at my house while my partner is there. Bizarre enough, but he has the court on his side. Being legally married, although it is not now recognized in Utah, will hopefully make it so that I am able to be a mom and have a meaningful lifetime relationship with a woman. The real adventure is yet to come as I will be a married lesbian in a small Utah community, AND my life is under a microscope with my profession being a high school English teacher. Stay tuned!
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