Up until lately, I couldn't even call myself the L-word, even though I had been in a committed relationship for nearly three years with the woman of my life. Now I am out more than I ever dreamed I would be. And how does it feel? Like another L-word. LIBERATED!! Are you wondering if it is time to come out? Does it seem impossible to fathom that you could even live your life if your secret was out for everyone to know? Believe me, I can relate! I was a wife of a 22-year marriage and mother of four living devoutly in one of THE MOST anti-gay religions--Mormon. And I was a "true" believer who had lost myself in the faith. Literally, I had lost myself. My life was a superficial day-to-day existence of doing what I should with moments of happiness, but no true joy as the scriptures promised those who were faithful. Dying inside, I was drawn to single women friends (who also had the same-sex inclinations) and could not help myself from wanting nothing more than to be close to them. That didn't fare well with my marriage and my husband. Our marriage was on the rocks and I was dying inside as he tried to place ultimatums on my relationships with my friends. His demanding nature and closed emotional bank combined with my natural attraction to women left me devoid of any hope for a connection with him. What was left for me to do? Commit emotional suicide and pretend my way through life? O come a decision to divorce? (I was still not convinced that I couldn't make it with some more sensitive man.) So, I opened up to him with the help of a video that showed the lives and dilemmas of several other gay LDS people who were trying to live the married life. A beautiful feeling of acceptance came over him, and we mutually decided it was time to move on. I had visions of how amenable this split could be and how we would still be friends and barely disrupt our children's lives. However, that acceptance lasted only about a week. As his ego took over and his need to never be less than perfect, he told anyone who would listen including our friends and church leaders. I felt so betrayed! But that wasn't the worst of it. He insisted that I tell our children, the oldest then 20 and 19. AND, not on my terms. One night he decided that it was time for me to go tell them or he would! I wept and wailed knowing there was no way out of telling my deepest secret to my children that their stalwart Mormon mother is really gay! My 19-year old son tried to comfort me saying I could tell him anything and it would be okay. That was just the first of my worst nightmares coming to life as my now ex-husband insists that everyone know that I am a lesbian. Sound hopeless? In truth, it was so awful, but the result is bliss! True BLISS. What seemed like the meanest and deepest betrayal I could ever have from someone who I was married to for 22 years turned out to be my biggest favor. In fact, the more he pushes me out, the better off I am. There will be more on that since I am now going to get married in Iowa. Although I could see myself living my life out with the woman of my dreams who has been by my side the whole time from friend to lover, the decision to go to the "extreme" of getting married was for another legal purpose in trying to fight my ex-husband (who incidentally was able to easily get married and move on). He is trying to disallow my 15-year old daughter be able to even come and stay at my house while my partner is there. Bizarre enough, but he has the court on his side. Being legally married, although it is not now recognized in Utah, will hopefully make it so that I am able to be a mom and have a meaningful lifetime relationship with a woman. The real adventure is yet to come as I will be a married lesbian in a small Utah community, AND my life is under a microscope with my profession being a high school English teacher. Stay tuned!